


Unimaginable

by TinyNerdsbian



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst to the max, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-03
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-04-29 17:53:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5137157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinyNerdsbian/pseuds/TinyNerdsbian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things went terribly wrong in Neverland, and changed the lives of everyone in Storybrooke. Major canon divergence from season 3a.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unimaginable

**Author's Note:**

> I OBVIOUSLY do not own a since ounce of Once, nor do I own any bit of Hamilton. 
> 
> The song is as gorgeous as it is devastating and I live on and thirst for angst, and honestly, I couldn't get this out of my head, so enjoy! Don't hate me too much!
> 
> Lastly, please, please, PLEASE find a way to listen to/check out Hamilton. You will never be the same. It is amazing and great and will make you cry in your transportation of choice. Truly amazing.

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Bottom of Form  
  
 

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_  
There are moments that the words don’t reach  
There is suffering too terrible to name  
You hold your child as tight as you can  
And push away the unimaginable_

 

Emma knew she would never forget Regina's scream; one that seemed to reverberate throughout Neverland. She can hear it ringing in her ears every time she sees Regina. Every night in front of his castle. Neither of them seem to sleep much, or at all, these days.

 

 

 

They buried him between his namesakes the day after they returned from Neverland. Emma still hasn't forgiven herself for choosing to comfort her own mother rather than the mother of her son and she's convinced that she never will. Her body is numb and her mind is constantly racing, anything and everything goes through it and she's incapable of deciphering the noise; though she's certain than she doesn't want to. She's certain that the silence would be more painful.

 

 

 

They don't entirely blame Rumple. His burst of bravery just happened to come at a very inopportune time. Everyone involved would have appreciated actual conversation before he grabbed Pan and ignoring all spoken bans of magic from Neal, transformed him back into the man he once was, a whispered "goodbye, papa," choked out before he thrust his dagger into a heart that was not Pan's own. Truthfully, Rumple was punishing himself enough without Regina or Emma's help and while they knew Henry would never wish vengeance for a mistake, neither woman really had it in them.

 

 

 

It's a week after the funeral when Emma spots Regina for the first time. It's just after 1am and halfway through Emma's second rotation of the town. She used to revel in the tininess of Storybrooke, now yearning for nothing more than to get lost in a restless city. 

 

 

 

Every night she was asleep by nine and every night Regina's anguished wail woke her. The first few nights, her body would shoot off her bed, covered in sweat, her heart racing and tears streaming down her face. At this point, she had grown used to it, her eyes merely blinking open, but the heaviness in her heart never waned.

 

 

 

The first time she spotted Regina, the brunette was sitting on a bench, staring blankly at the patch of earth that once housed Henry's castle. Emma stood and watched her, partially entranced by the wind blowing through her hair, only realizing she was holding her breath when she finally inhaled as Regina's shoulders raised and lowered in a shuddering breath.

 

 

 

Just as she woke every night, every night she would find Regina sitting on the same bench, in the same spot. She never saw her arrive and walked away before she left, but each night she was there. She was almost positive that Regina knew she was there but neither of them changed their routine.

 

 

 

It was another week before Emma took a deep, achy breath and took a seat next to Regina. Nothing was said, not that there was much to say. Emma spoke only when her parents prompted and usually not even then and no one in town had heard a peep from Regina since Neverland. Emma was sure that this was the only time Regina left the house, when there was no one around to witness it. 

 

 

 

The next week, Emma sat just a bit closer to Regina and finally snuck a peek at her. Her face, free of makeup, somehow appeared younger and her hair was pulled back. Her grey leggings and over sized black sweater portraying a relaxed comfort that did not translate to her body language. A quick glance up to her eyes revealed a thin layer tears, just teetering on the edge, only a few escaping. Emma turned her gaze back to the space in front of them. Should someone walk past, it would appear that the two women were watching the gentle waves crashing on the shore in the distance, however, the two mothers were staring at the ghost of a young boy's sanctuary.

 

 

 

Each night Emma would sit closer to Regina and three weeks after tearfully saying goodbye to her little prince, Regina slipped her hand into Emma’s, and with shuddering breath, delicately lay her head on the blonde's shoulder. 

 

 

 

Four weeks after watching a devastatingly small casket being lowered into the ground, Regina finally spoke. 

 

 

 

"I can almost see him sitting at the edge of his castle," despite the raspiness of her voice, it was the most beautiful sound Emma had ever heard and she couldn't stop her small smile.

 

 

 

"Book in his lap, little legs dangling over the side," she smiled sadly. "His shoes most likely untied," she felt the tightness in her chest lessen for a moment at Regina's soft chuckle; only lasting a moment before Regina broke down into heavy sobs and collapsing into Emma's side, the blonde tightening her grip on Regina's hand as her free hand gently cupped her cheek as her own tears coursed down her cheeks.

 

 

 

Regina hated showing vulnerability, Emma knew this. Sometimes it seemed like she hated showing it to Emma even more. That’s why, after a week of finding an empty park bench, Emma was knocking on Regina’s door at two in the afternoon. It took ten minutes, but Regina finally opened the door, seeing that it’s Emma, she starts to close the door, but Emma’s desperate pleading keeps her from shutting it completely, though she keeps her eyes down.

 

 

“I know I don’t deserve it, but hear me out,” Emma begs, trying to catch Regina’s eye, sighing when she fails, but glad when the brunette opens the door and steps aside so Emma can enter. The blonde fidgets for a moment, trying to catch the well rehearsed speech that was quickly flying out of her head. “Look, I won’t even pretend to know what you feel, or the new challenges we now face,” Emma felt a small burst of confidence when Regina stayed put and looking like she was almost ready to meet Emma’s eyes, taking a small step forward and gently grasping Regina’s hands, knowing this woman make her, even both of them, want to run. “And I **know** there’s no replacing,” Emma’s words stuck in her throat, still unable to stay his name, to even say _him_. “What we’ve lost. But I’m not afraid. I know who you are. I know what we have.”

 

 

There are tears running down her face again, but Regina didn’t run. When Emma felt the brunette tighten the grip on her hands, she took a deep breath and started to lead them to the stairs. She knew this could backfire; it could push Regina further away. She also knew that Regina needed this, that **she** needed this. It was going to hurt more than anything they’ve ever faced, than anything they will ever face, and while they will probably never find true closure, they needed to take this step.

 

 

Regina came to a halt two feet from Henry’s closed door. Emma could feel her hands shaking, attempting to calm her by gently rubbing her thumb across delicate skin, only to have it snatched away. The shock wore off as Regina’s hand, still shaking, closed around the door knob. Emma rushed forward, her hand softly placed on a quaking forearm, her body pressed against Regina’s side.

 

 

“Look at where we are, look at where we started,” Emma whispers beseechingly into Regina’s ear. “Let me be by your side. Let me do this with you.”

 

 

Regina’s response came in the form of a shuddering breath and releasing the doorknob so she could slip her hand back into Emma’s. Her eyes finally meet Emma’s, finding herself momentarily startled by eyes so green they could rival jade and finding strength in them, Regina brought her free hand the doorknob and opening the door before she lost the confidence. The two women stood in the doorway for several minutes, simply taking in the room and once again, hoping to gather the courage to cross the threshold.

 

 

With Emma at her side, Regina took the first step into the room, purposefully bypassing the bed and momentarily pausing at the desk before moving to sit on the floor in the middle of the room, taking some time to take the room in. While Regina used her eyes, Emma used her hands, fingers lightly grazing every surface and almost every article in the room. When she reaches Regina’s spot on the floor, Emma offers a hand, carefully pulling Regina to her feet and with an arm around her waist, leads her to the desk.

 

 

Over the next hour, they were able to sort some of his books into various piles on the floor, Regina insisting on alphabetizing, until the brunette stumbled upon a framed photo of Henry at 6, sporting a new gap after losing his first tooth. Her body swayed before completely collapsing into Emma’s arms, bringing both women to the floor. Her anguished cries muffled in Emma’s neck as she clutched the frame to her chest and the blonde’s arms securely around her, rocking them both on the floor.

 

 

_They are trying to do the unimaginable._

 

“If I could trade my life for his,” Emma rasped into Regina’s ear, her fingers clenching and unclenching against the woman’s back. “To have him standing here with you. Just to have you smile…it would be enough.” Regina’s body quaked against Emma’s as she slipped arm from between their bodies and wrapped it around the blonde’s back, clutching the woman closer to her.

 

 

 

It takes nearly two months, but the woman managed to box up his room, not selling or donating anything. Regina agreed to pack his things up, but she would not let **her** son’s things leave her house and Regina refusing to allow Emma to strip the walls of their blue striped wallpaper. Emma forgives her use of the pronoun each time, because after the emotional dust settles, Regina would apologize, pull Emma close, and when she felt strong enough, she would show the blonde pictures of Henry growing up. The one thing Emma refused to let Regina pack away were all the pictures in Henry’s room, rather she set them around the house, some in Regina’s room, some in the living room, one of Emma and Henry on Regina’s desk in her study and one of Regina and Henry on the nightstand in the guest room Emma had taken to sleeping in.

 

 

Like every night for the past three months, Emma collapses into bed and is soon awakened by Regina’s cry, but this time, it’s not in her dream, but from the room down the hall and every night, Emma makes her way to Regina’s room, pulling the woman into her arms until she quieted down and fell back asleep. Before long, Regina silently invited Emma to her bed permanently, seeing as the blonde woke up there every morning anyway. Both women finding sleep quicker, easier, and longer having their own incarnation of Henry close by. Regina was positive she would never again wake up to find herself not wrapped around the blonde, though she now found that that was not as frightening as she once thought.

 

 

 

It started with quiet picnics in the backyard, just by the garden; sometimes Regina would tell Emma stories about Henry as a toddler desperately trying to help Momma garden, pointing out the tomato plant that he planted at three, still going strong. Soon, they were able to take short walks around town, though grateful that most people simply offered sad smiles and no one acknowledging their clasped hands. The loss was felt all across town, the weather seemingly reflecting the somber mood that had permanently settled over the small township.

 

  


Soon, their walks grow longer and they find conversation comes easier. They frequently have breakfast at Granny’s, who in turn has always has “their” booth reserved and absolutely refuses to allow them to pay for anything they order. After their first visit, when Granny instinctively put a mug of hot chocolate topped with cinnamon sprinkled whipped cream, causing Emma break down and sob inconsolably against Regina, the older woman allowed the woman to make their own selections.

 

 

After a few months, Regina and Emma felt like they were strong enough to get back to work. Finding strength in the other as they helped one another get ready for work. Regina carefully and delicately braiding Emma’s hair and wrapping red leather around strong shoulders; while Emma pulled a blue grey silk shirt from Regina’s side of the closet and presenting it with a sad smile, while she chose and carefully applied a lighter shade of red lipstick to the brunette’s lips. Despite living in a town that basically ran itself with nearly zero crime, which had significantly dropped since Neverland; not even Leroy could allow himself to drink himself into an angry drunken stupor, not wanting to add more stress for the newly returned sheriff. Before, both women would have physically bristled at being handled so fragilely, now found that they welcomed it; no longer wanted to be strong all the time.

 

 

_They are going through the unimaginable._

 

 

It had been a year since the two women buried their son. Emma had never left her spot in Regina’s bed, house or heart and the two working together to bring brightness and laughter back into their home and their lives. Emma has a new brother, just turn 2 months old and the two women approach him with opposite mentalities. Regina finds comfort and peace as she holds him; she explains to Emma how he somehow manages to look and smell just like Henry did at his age, jokingly cursing the Charming genes in hopes of coaxing a smile out of the blonde. Emma, on the other hand, is extremely apprehensive around him not actually holding him until he was nearly six weeks old, claiming it’s because she doesn’t know how to handle babies, but later confessing to Regina that she wasn’t ready to find joy in a baby boy just yet. Regina continues to reassure Emma at night before bed that this new baby was neither a replacement for her or for Henry, both issues Emma had been dealing with the moment Snow cautiously announced her pregnancy to the them; he is simply a small beacon of light in their grey, foggy lives. She lightly kisses every part of Emma’s face until the blonde quietly acquiesces.

 

 

On the anniversary of Henry’s death, Regina dressed herself in green, his favorite color, and coaxed Emma from sleep with gentle kisses, telling her to get dressed before meeting her downstairs. These days, Emma’s steps were softer and Regina found that she was starting to miss the clumsy blonde clomping through her house. Her thoughts were disrupted when Emma quietly walked into the kitchen in snug jeans and an oversize, fluffy green sweater that matched Regina’s dress and made her eyes pop. No words were spoken between the two as Regina wrapped her arms around Emma’s waist and pressing her forehead into the blonde’s neck, inhaling her soft perfume for a moment, before stepping back and handing the curious woman and napkin wrapped bear claw and a travel thermos. She made her way to the front door, knowing Emma would be following close behind.

 

 

Once in the car, Regina leaned over and dropped a soft kiss on Emma’s temple before offering her a reassuring smile. She found only complete trust in green eyes and giving Emma one last kiss, Regina carefully placed a soft blindfold over Emma’s eyes. Throughout the drive, Regina kept her hand resting on Emma’s thigh, allowing herself the occasional amused chuckle at how, even blindfolded, the blonde expertly finished her bear claw and sipped her coffee. She remembered back to just a few weeks prior to her and Emma huddled in bed, celebrating their son’s birthday with cake, a Disney movie marathon, hot chocolate, a few tears, and even more laughs.

 

 

After a ten minute drive, Regina took a deep breath before climbing out of the car and making her way to the passenger side, carefully helping a still blindfolded Emma to her feet. She quietly lead Emma down a newly paved path, tightly holding her hand and smiling at the trust the blonde placed so securely in her. They surely had come a long way the past couple of years. At the end of the path, she brought Emma to a stop and wrapped her arm lightly around Emma’s waist before turning slightly into her.

 

 

“Ready?” she asked quietly, receiving a slight and apprehensive nod. She reached up with her free hand and slowly removed the blindfold, tightening her hold as Emma quickly brought a hand to her mouth, muffling the sob that managed to break through as green eyes swept over the scene in front of her. A perfect replica of the tiny wooden castle play structure that stood there barely two years prior. The only addition being a new sign just to the right of “their” bench; _Henry Daniel Mills Playgroud_ proudly inscribed in shining bronze. Bright green eyes lined with tears searching Regina’s. “They finished it a couple days ago. It opens next week, but I wanted you to have the first test run.”

 

 

Emma turned so she can fully wrap her arms around Regina, burying her face into the brunette’s neck as tears softly trail down her cheeks.

 

 

“Thank you,” She mumbles softly into an olive toned neck, moving her arms under Regina’s jacket in hope of feeling even closer to her.

 

 

“Always,” Regina answered, just as quietly, her nails gently scratching the base of Emma’s skull as she holds the woman close to her.

 

 

Without losing any of their closeness, Emma pulls back enough to place her forehead against Regina’s and, after a moment of simply _being_ in her embrace, Emma opened her eyes, silently imploring the brunette to open hers. When shining brown eyes finally met hers, Emma smiled softly, never wanting to look away. “I love you,” she whispered so quietly that, had they not been so tightly entwined, Regina may never have heard it.

 

 

“I love you, too,” Regina whispered back, just as softly, but with more confidence than she has ever felt in her life and knowing that this was true.

 

 

_There are moments that the words don’t reach  
There is a grace too powerful to name  
We push away what we can never understand  
We push away the unimaginable_

  
  
  
---  
  
 


End file.
